Class News
Tim Bachmeyer ’64 leaves an unpublished manuscript on cancer
March 26, 2021
At his death on August 31, 2020, Tim Bachmeyer ‘64 left an unpublished manuscript, Dancing with the Big Elephant in the Room: Men with Cancer, Caretaking, and Wellbeing.
When Patrick Caviness learned of Tim’s death, he contacted Tim’s surviving spouse, Ellen, to offer condolences and share memories. In the process of their email exchange, Ellen told Patrick that she was editing Tim’s unpublished manuscript. The correspondence between Patrick and Ellen is reproduced below, followed by an epilogue to the manuscript written by Ellen.
Email from Patrick Caviness to Ellen Bachmeyer:
Ellen,
Thank you for telling me about Tim's death. I'm very saddened by his passing and for your loss. I was comforted to hear you say he did not suffer, that you held him in your arms, that he was working on his book on his last day here on earth. It wasn't clear if Tim died from prostate cancer or some other form of cancer.
You may know that Tim and I were brothers in a senior society at Yale called Book & Snake. I have informed the brothers of Tim's death. They asked me to express their condolences to you and your family. I would like to write a remembrance of Tim and would be honored to add it to our Yale Class Website. May I have your permission to do so? Please send me his obituary and any other information you would like me to include?
I'm delighted to learn that Tim's book will be published. Of course, you have my permission to use any materials in Tim's manuscript about me. I am honored and pleased to be included in his book. His message is my message. I would say most men still believe the myth that men will die of some other cause than prostate cancer. Tim's book could dispel this notion that prostate cancer is not a deadly disease.
Again, my heartfelt sympathy to you. And I would love to talk to you. Here in Thailand, we are partial to WhatsApp but if you prefer FaceTime, I can make that work. I hope we will talk in the near future.
Sending a healing hug,
Patrick
Email from Caviness to Tony Lavely, ’64 Class Secretary:
Tony,
Here's the latest update I received from Ellen Bachmeyer, Tim's wife. The reason I was so stunned is that Tim was a member of Book & Snake. I don't think anyone of the members knew about Tim's death. That's pretty unusual. Anyway, I'm glad you learned about his death in January and that it was posted in the Class Notes.
Patrick
Email from Ellen to Patrick:
Hi Patrick,
I received your email, and your words are truly heartfelt. Thank you for reaching out. My gratitude for notifying Book and Snake.
We did not do an obituary for Tim. We have lived in so many places it didn’t make sense to create one. Tim was cremated. A private ceremony was performed with family to spread his ashes in the Atlantic Ocean in Juno Beach, FL, one of our favorite places to walk at sunrise. The pandemic made it difficult to do any kind of service. But no regrets.
Tim’s book is currently being edited. I expect the book to go to print in another 6-8 weeks. I will send a copy but will need an address. Tim’s computer died along with him so gathering more detailed information on anything is a challenge.
I have included a section of the book — “About the Author” and my “Epilogue” — in the hope it will give you insight about his passing. He thoroughly enjoyed your conversations.
The book is about many different cancers, not just prostate. Tim was diagnosed over eight years ago with stage 4 melanoma. About fifteen years ago he was diagnosed with chronic idiopathic myelofibrosis, a blood cancer that makes the bone marrow fibrous because the red blood cells cannot complete their process and eventually the spleen and liver can’t compensate for what the blood cannot do. This is a lay description. There is no cure for that cancer. It is very rare and about 14,000 people in the country have been diagnosed with it. The research is sparse. He was on meds to slow the progression, and he lived a long time because of the medications.
All the best,
Ellen Bachmeyer,
352-209-6211
erbachmeyer@gmail.com
Email from Caviness to Lavely:
Tony,
I've attached a slight rewrite of the "About the Author" and the “Epilogue” Ellen Bachmeyer sent me. I didn't know Tim was a pickleball player. That was a game I love, and I too had a pickleball court in my backyard. In all our conversations, we never made the pickleball connection. When I read that line about Tim wanted to be with pickleball-playing buddies, I so wished we could have shared our love of the game.
Patrick
Thomas (Tim) Bachmeyer Remembrance by Patrick Caviness, March 25, 2021
Thomas (Tim) Bachmeyer was a graduate of the Class of ’64. He was a member of the Class of ’64 Book & Snake Society. He held degrees from Yale (BA, Philosophy) and the University of Chicago (PhD, Religion and Psychology).
Tim was a cancer and wellbeing coach and professional speaker. He guided men and their families through their cancer experience. A long-time innovator, he looked outside the boundaries to find what the behavioral sciences can bring to enhance our human experience. In 2019, Tim contacted me because we were classmates, friends, and senior-society brothers. He interviewed me and five other friends who had survived cancer. He wanted to learn more about men who had discovered successful coping strategies to deal with cancer. The journey of these men became the focus of his book, Dancing with the Big Elephant in the Room: Men with Cancer, Caretaking, and Wellbeing.
In Dancing with the Big Elephant in the Room, Tim combined his insights as a former psychotherapist and as a survivor simultaneously of two types of cancer. An experienced interviewer, he intimately profiled the men with cancer (including himself), a spouse, and an adult child in cancer families, to identify their successful coping strategies. The integration of his thinking came through his study of the Andean wisdom traditions and their understanding of the principles of collective human consciousness.
To grow this wisdom and evolve his own consciousness, he trained in these wisdom traditions with Marti Spiegelman MFA, founder of Precision Consciousness for Emerging Leaders™, The Shaman’s Light Training Program™, and Awakening Value: Technologies of Consciousness™. Throughout his career he strived to garner insight through the juxtaposition of multiple fields. He co-authored, with William Johnson Everett, Disciplines in Transformation, modeling linkages among psychology, psychology, and sociology, in theory, practice, and loyalty. He held degrees from Yale (BA, Philosophy) and the University of Chicago (PhD, Religion and Psychology).
Tim died before his pending book could be published. His wife Ellen and friends committed to working together to ensure the book will be published. Ellen’s epilogue to the book is very touching.
Message from Ellen Bachmeyer, Tim’s surviving spouse, in October 2020:
On Monday, August 31, 2020, my husband, Tim, peacefully and quietly passed away in my arms. His dying wish was that this book be published. He wanted to share the heartfelt stories people had told him over the years to help others find quality of life on this difficult journey. He “danced with the big elephant in the room” until his last breath.
The morning of his death was spent completing and sending the draft of the book to our mentor, Marti Spiegelman. Tim told me he really struggled to finish it because he wasn’t feeling well. It was hard for him to breathe. As soon as he came out of his office, he passed within minutes. He had accepted that death was approaching. Just to give you a little history, Tim’s health had declined in the last six weeks of his life. He contracted sepsis, a severe infection caused by his dialysis port, and was hospitalized for ten days. One week later, he was readmitted to the hospital with pneumonia. The last three-day hospitalization happened a little over a week before his death. He passed out at dialysis. CPR was done, and the hard pressure broke his sternum. He was becoming weaker with each hospitalization.
After several conversations about his declining health, the Elephant had again appeared between us. The truth needed to be spoken — he was slowly dying. It was not an easy decision, as we always wondered if there was one more treatment he could do. The challenge for both of us was to first accept this new gateway we were facing. Hospice was called, and the final week of his life began. Hospice was wonderful in easing Tim’s fears about the dying process.
Yes, fear is a part of the journey of acceptance of the unknown. There is always fear in every decision related to cancer. It is how you handle the fear that makes a difference. The gateway was now opening. What would Tim like in his final days? His wish to die at home was granted. Next, how would he say goodbye to our loved ones? Tim’s last week was very special for the whole family. His son, T.J. from Chicago, flew down. Our son Justin from South Florida, and daughter, Jenna, and son-in-law Vinny from Winter Garden were all there. He also wanted to say goodbye to our pickleball friends. So, we wheeled him down to the courts on Saturday, and he spoke a beautiful, warm-hearted message to all present.
On the book front, Marti Spiegelman didn’t waste any time looking for an editor. As soon as she received the draft of the book on the day Tim died, she immediately went to work finding Patty French, an editor in New Zealand. True to Tim’s wishes, we were getting closer to publishing.
As I reflect on the past, Tim and I could not have made this journey alone. Having support from many people helped to keep us sane, gain insight, and feel loved. You cannot take this journey alone. Mentors Marti Spiegelman, MFA, and Dr. Peter Tsantilis, and my best friend and colleague, Kimberlie Chenoweth, always offered support, encouraged Tim and me to make a place for our feelings and the challenges and beautiful moments.
Having someone to listen was always heartfelt. There were many lessons we learned. There are still many more to come, I’m sure. One of the most important ones is the more we tried to ignore the elephant, the bigger it became. It is easy to turn away from a cancer diagnosis or any other life-limiting illness out of fear. It is so important to turn towards one another even in the toughest of times. Tim and I had many genuine truth-telling, loving conversations for which I am most grateful. There were painful ones too, and we always made a point to come back to our love of one another.
I have no regrets about Tim’s passing. We had happy and rough times in our 41 years together. I feel honored that I could be there with and for him. I miss him terribly. I feel his gentle spirit around me every morning when I wake to the stillness that comes right before the morning light. It is a special and sacred moment. When Tim was actively dying, I told him to keep looking for the light.
As we carry on with our own lives, we, the caregivers, our families, and friends need to search for new light so we can reshape our lives. My hope is that those brave souls who helped Tim write this book notice that something beautiful in your life has changed. To all who read this book, my prayer for you is that it opens your heart to love yourself and your loved ones and that you become closer and gain clarity on what really is important in each moment you have together. Put your fears in perspective because fear lives in the future. Life is to be lived in this moment. You see, the elephant grows bigger when you hide or run away or pretend it isn’t there. So, take each day to grow and live fully with meaning. Strive to connect with all your strength and courage even when an elephant is in the room.
In loving peace, Ellen